I wish I had the strength to get help. I am so scared.
Friday: too drunk. met with Deenie and we took some klonopin in the bathroom at the bar. K was mad, naturally, and we had a lot of tension throughout the night. at a new bar, I danced with some long black-haired pretty boy and kissed him. G (ex) saw, literally pulled me off the dance floor. I went back to the boy again, G started to leave so I followed. Everybody was screaming and crying at eachother while we walked down Carson, which is just like a mile long strip of bars. G told me he still loved me. He came to my house and left at 5am. Everybody hates me a lot more after this.
weekend: spent recovering from everything I took. I ignored mostly everybody and felt sad.
Monday: didn’t go to class because my jitney never came. I went out with G later and we were drunk again. Met with some occupy protesters and I gave one my number when he asked for it because I was too drunk to realize I would never talk to him had I been sober. Really bro and I could tell he was only at the protest for the ‘ladies’. Audrey came but by that time I couldn’t keep my head up anymore. We left and I puked in some alley and was crying, ‘I don’t fucking want this anymore.’ I never slept that night because I felt so sick but just lay in my bed freaking out because I convinced myself I had alcohol poisoning.
Tuesday: very sick from the night before, but it was just a hangover. I slept for most of the day when I came home from work. When I woke up, I had really sharp pains in my stomach. G came over late that night because I was scared and having a panic attack. It got to the point where I was screaming because it hurt so bed, so I woke my mom up and we went to the emergency room. I was there for a long time. I was hooked up to an IV or something and a lot of things I don’t remember. The nurse the cuts on my arms and asked if I was still suicidal if my medications help with it. I said yes and they were old but they kept bringing it up. They referred me to a gastrointestinal doctor. I came home and slept for 12 hours.
What hurt the most is that I know my stomach issues are from my eating disorder and I still can’t admit I’m sick.
People naturally expecting me to have sex with them because I will be drunk. All the time I am becoming less of a real person. I feel raw and sore. I’m always craving it but it’s never what I want. I hate their fucking panting and heavy bodies on top of me. Don’t ask me to do anything but lay there.
why do you have to give me such a huge guilt trip every time my plans don’t coincide with yours? I don’t want to go out at six because that would mean I would be wasted, vomiting, eyes rolling into the back of my head by eight. Then I’d have to go home because you can’t sleep at the bar and nobody wants a drunken embarrassment. I am not like you or our friends and I really CANNOT hold my liquor, nor am I able to recognize my limits. I miss isolation.
my exam starts in a few minutes and I can’t bring myself to care. This fucking idiot behind me was like, ‘my name is Alexis but you can call me Lexie!!!!’ wow, creative. I like your fucking MacBook which is totally unnecessary to pull out in a math class but you do anyway because you want everybody to know you spend your daddy’s money well. I hate you.
monday: went to one class, cried afterward because of stress. ex-boyfriend picked me up and i told him he could do whatever he wanted with my body if he gave me $40. he agreed. we had not been speaking because a few weeks ago, i was very drunk and woke up to him having sex with me. i forgave him because i think he is a good person and didn’t mean it. anyway, we had sex in the back of his car in this huge park in the city and i think i was drunk but can’t remember. i wore black knee socks.
tuesday: felt like my spine was broken and my everywhere was bruised. my friend at work gave me coke.
Wednesday: i did the coke because i had no adderall and i am afraid to go to school sober. i felt it in my throat long afterwards. i wanted to save it for tomorrow. if my dad doesn’t refill his prescription, i don’t know what i will do. there are only two pills left and he’ll know I’ve been taking them if I take one tomorrow. ex picked me up again and I don’t remember what we did for a long time. we had really violent, weird sex and I could feel how much he hated me when he was choking me and I almost passed out. it was different than usual rape-play. he cried afterward and said he didn’t expect me to do all the things I’m doing now, just thought I was talking about it for attention. he said, ‘you look like a coke head. I think you’re gonna die.’ it looks funny when I type it out. I’m not that sick, I don’t think. I can’t really believe anything I say anymore, so I don’t know what’s real. When I think about eating again and getting sober, I don’t think I could do it. I don’t know/care what that means.
We went to a bar later and I was really drunk and singing. He told me he wants to move to Brooklyn and that I should come and we could get married. I said I’d be horrid to live with. We left and I bought sushi and felt guilty and cried about it later. I was so tired when I got home but I barely slept. I keep thinking about my last ex. I don’t want to mention names here. I still love him and it still hurts. I don’t think he thinks of me and I know he must hate me. I want to send him a letter saying I’m sorry that I wasn’t stronger through all of this, but I think it would just look pathetic. The other night my best friend and I were drunk and she sent him a message on Facebook that just said ‘you’re dumb’ because he was the only boyfriend of mine she ever really liked. I was pretty angry but I kind of wished he would have replied. Oh well.
today: applied to dream school. I don’t feel well. tomorrow is my friend’s 21st birthday. I am tired of drinking and the taste of alcohol in my mouth makes me nauseous. I am always doing such ugly things.
Boy at school who I think is cute is only 18 and I’d feel weird talking to him. He also seems sort of dumb.
